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NuclearCookout

Thought I'd try my hand at this.
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An office building is shown with the words "Psyche Corporation" on it.

[Zero is shown fidgeting with a sparkpug at his desk]

Zero (interview): There's just something about sparkplugs...

[Whadu is shown walking along a path between cubicles; camera is inside one of the cubicles looking up at the edge, and only his head is seen]

[Zero continues to fidget]

[Whadu notices Zero's fidgeting]

[A huge grin traverses Whadu's face]

[Whadu begins to sneak up behind Zero]

[Zero continues to fidget]

[Whadu bellows a perfect impression of the Dean Scream, causing Zero to jolt hard enough to tumble out of his chair and send the sparkplug sailing across the room]

Whadu (interview): It's the simple things in life you treasure.

[The sparkplug pierces RogueMarie's computer screen as she watches Billy Madison; sparks fly]

RogueMarie: WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?!

Whadu: MARIE, CALM DOW-.....wait, you really DO need to calm down. Snap.

Whadu (interview): Snap. I hate self-ownage. I just hope nobody was recording that.

RogueMarie (interview): Seeing someone commiting self-ownage, especially the likes of Whadu, is sweet beyond description. I'm so glad I happened to be using my sound recorder at the moment. I shall save it for future amusement.

RogueMarie: [looking at computer] Great. Now I'm gonna have to get BigN over here an-...

BigN: Done. [shown holding computer repair tools]

[Screen is shown to be better than new]

[RogueMarie has a blank-with-raised-eyebrow expression while looking at the computer screen]

[BigN walks off whistling]

[Camera shows The Man typing a report on the importance of blue pens in the world economy]

The Man: Now...how would it effect...Tajikistan...and Luo-speaking tribes in Kenya...and...

Cursed: [standing behind The Man] Yo momma.

The Man: ...my...mother...WAIT A SECOND...how WOULD it affect my mother? Interesting idea.

Cursed (interview): That was meant as a taunt, but whatever.

[Cursed looks in a handheld mirror in the interview shot and does his hair]

[Camera looks past Cursed and through a window between the interview room and the cubicle room, showing Metal walking over to a table]

[Metal stands on the table]

Metal: People, I have an announcement. Biotic has just informed me that he is pregn-...

[Mad tackles Metal off the table and pins him to the floor; Biotic is seen in the background saying, "What the..."]

Mad: HOW many TIMES have I TOLD YOU that DEIN SUPERVISOR may only make vociferous announcements. ICH. BIN. DEIN. SUPERVISOR. FRIED. BEEF. DO YOU HEAR ME?!?!

Metal: Dude, only Nuke talks like that. Have you been hanging out with him lately?

Mad (interview): Yes. Too much. I desire conquering skills, and I figured he could help.

Mad: Nope. Never met him before.

Metal: But...you spoke with him this morning. In a group meeting.

Mad: So?

Metal: And you had coffee with him. Twice.

[Mad stares down at Metal with a blank expression]

[Metal stares back]

[Everyone is staring from over the edges of their cubicles; GreenTea looks like she is about to burst out laughing]

[Mad looks around]

[Mad gets back up]

[Mad walks off in a seemingly dignified manner; in the background, Aifel asks Biotic, "You're pregnant, Biotic?", and Biotic is seen glaring at him]

[Rocker is shown talking with Ragedy in the lounge about pie]

Ragedy: Man...you're sick.

Rocker: What? All I said was appl-...

Ragedy: YES. The thought of sweetened fruit entombed in a crust almost has my stomach hit for six, so stop talking about it before I stuff you into an esky.

Rocker: Hit for...what...and a...what?

Ragedy: Do you think it's humourous to torment me during my lunch?

Rocker: No...and you mispelled "humorous."

Ragedy: Thanks, I...

[Ragedy attacks Rocker with a water dispensing unit]

[Monk walks into the lounge during the fray]

Monk: GOOD GRIEF, A BRAWL.

[Monk grabs Sparkie as she walks by and uses her as a battle club]

[Camera goes back to Whadu and Zero]

Zero: What was the purpose of that, mate?

Whadu: My own personal entertainment. Also, I'm ticked off that 2jew and Nuke are here. 2jew...STOLE...MY...DESK.

Whadu (interview): As long as the Jewish Wonder doesn't find my colossal porn folder, I can deal for a while.

Zero: Why are they here, anyway?

Whadu: They're helping with...with...files...TPS reports...I dunno. Something that isn't important enough to catch my attention.

[2jew is shown at Whadu's desk looking through files and checking for errors]

2jew: Error here, error here, error here, error here, error here, error here, another one there, massive error there, company-threatening error there, and...what on earth is that? "Whadu's Secret Box of Glee"?

[2jew is shown opening the folder]

[2jew's eyes widen considerably]

2jew: Oh...my...potato...bbq. How does Whadmonger live with himself? I...I need mental cleansing.

[2jew opens Gears of War]

[Nuke is seen at another desk, playing Second Life]

[Turt walks by and sees what Nuke is doing]

Turt: Heh, dude, your character's a furry?

Nuke: Yes. Why?

[Turt pulls out a loudspeaker]

Turt: HEY EVERYONE, NUKE'S A FURRY!!! LET'S LAUGH AT HIM AND TAKE PLEASURE IN HIS SHAME!!!

[Des is shown busting up laughing]

Nuke: What's your problem, man? What have I done to garner this much disrespect?

Turt: I hate furries. 'Nuff said.

Nuke: Variable stars are generally analysed using photometry, spectrophotometry and spectroscopy. Observations of their brightness compared to non-variable stars of known magnitude can be used to establish a light curve. For regular variables, the period of variation and its amplitude can be very well established; for many variable stars, though, these quantities may vary slowly over time, or even from one period to the next. Peak brightnesses in the light curve are known as maxima, while troughs are known as minima.

Turt: Wait...what?

Nuke: Why do I always have to explain things to you? Every time we meet, you always ask me questions. You never seem to understand what I say. How did you even get this job?

Turt: I don't normally ask...ask questions.

Nuke: In a given constellation, the first variable stars discovered were designated with letters R through Z, e.g. R Andromedae. This system of nomenclature was developed by Friedrich W. Argelander, who gave the first previously unnamed variable in a constellation the letter R, the first letter not used by Bayer. Letters RR through RZ, SS through SZ, up to ZZ are used for the next discoveries, e.g. RR Lyrae. Later discoveries used letters AA through AZ, BB through BZ, and up to QQ through QZ (with J omitted). Once those 334 combinations are exhausted, variables are numbered in order of discovery, and prefixed with V, e.g. V1500 Cygni.

Turt: I...I...I...MIGRAINE!!!

[Turt races out of the room clutching his skull]

Nuke: (interview): As I've said before, these puny humans know no difference between wrong and more wrong. The employees are simple enough that, over time, they will eventually kill each other off, and then I will kill the last man or woman standing...hopefully woman. By that time, Whadu will already be gone, working for chocolate and grease in one of my gigantic concentration camps. I will slowly dominate all Psyche Corporation offices, and then the entire world.

[Nuke throws his head back and laughs maniacally]

[Nuke stares plainly at the camera with his hands clasped]

[Turt runs down an aisle screaming]

[Turt collides with a shirtless Cursed]

[Turt is incinerated by an accidental release of sex-rays]

Cursed (interview): I should probably keep my shirt on, for the sake of my fellow employees. That's the third person my hawtness has kersploded this week.

[Cursed grooms his hair while looking in a handheld mirror again]

[People are seen staring at the resulting column of descending ashes and airborne clothing shreds]

Whadu: [still talking to Zero] I can't wait til Jewzilla and his furry lackey hit the road. Their presence gives me indescribable sick feelings. Almost like the feeling I get WHEN I SEE FLASH.

[Flash peeks over the edge of his cubicle, glaring]

[so91 walks over to Whadu, holding a stack of papers]

so11: Here is the colossal stack of stuff you requested, sir.

[Whadu makes a disgusted/shocked expression at so500]

Whadu: Chocolate...people...make...me...ill...DO YOU HEAR ME, WORLD?! I HATE BLACK PEOPLE. I CARE LESS ABOUT THEM THAN BUSH DOES.

so#% (interview): I don't know why Whadu keeps forgetting he's black, too. Or maybe he knows and is simply going insane.

so??: But...you're black.

Whadu: I think you're lying to me, soQQ. Remember what happened to the last person who lied to me?

soF5: You threw a party for them.

Whadu: YES I DID. Now hand me those papers and begone with you. I have important matters to discuss with my Englandic associate here.

soLOL: Very well, sir.

[so?! walks off]

[Whadu is scowling]

[Whadu smiles]

Whadu: Zero, take note to give so^1/2 a raise.

Zero: That isn't my department. It's yours.

Whadu: Oh. Well, keep up the good work.

[Whadu walks back to his office]

[Whadu sees 2jew playing Gears of War]

2jew: I'm glad to see you, Whadu.

2jew (interview): I'm not really, but that isn't the point.

2jew: I have something to talk to you about.

Whadu: WHAT PORN STASH.

2jew: I didn't...say anything about a porn stash. Can you guess how many errors I found while digging through your files?

Whadu: Two..four...three...maybe five?

2jew: I found over fourteen thousand errors, and many of them were jeopardizing the company's well-being.

[Whadu gives a shocked expression]

2jew: Mmm, yes. I did, however, fix the issue, BUT, you will require further training...and I just noticed that Tyler Durden doll sitting atop your computer.

Whadu: ACTION FIGURE. DOLLS ARE FOR GIRLS AND TJ.

[TJ is shown at his desk with an absurd grin on his face, reenacting the Duel-on-Mustafar scene from Star Wars: Episode 3 using dolls of Elvis and Hello Kitty]

2jew: Fine, action figure. Regardless, you will be going to Ljubljana, Slovenia in five days to further your knowledge of Psyche Corp's workings.

Whadu: You do realize this means war, right?

2jew: No, I realize that you've just been punked by a Jew.

[Whadu tightens his fist while grimacing]

2jew: Now please leave so I can finish the game and get my mind off those terrifying images that I came across while examining butchered files.

Whadu: The...game...wait, I JUST LOST.

2jew: GOOD JOB, NOW I LOST, TOO.

[2jew looks at the screen and sees that his character just died]

2jew: NOW BOTH GAMES.

[GreenTea peeks in through the door]

GreenTea: Whads, call for you on line two.

Whadu: I JUST LOST THE GAME. Oh. Phone call.

GreenTea: You idiot, now I lost. Just pick up the phone.

[Sarah is seen walking by]

Sarah: Lost what?

GreenTea: The Game.

Sarah: Guh, now I lost.

BigRob: [at desk] Did someone just say The Game? I LOST. THANKS A BUNCH.

[Camera shot of the entire room, showing everyone angry that they lost The Game]

[A small box with "Later" displayed within it is in the upper-left corner of this panel; PeeeU is shown walking to Kenni's desk]

PeeeU: Kenni, I need you to add your signature to this page you filled out.

Kenni: Indeed.

[Kenni writes on the paper]

PeeeU: Thank you.

Kenni: Indeed.

[PeeeU begins to walk off]

Kenni: Have you seen my stapler? It is a red Swingline.

[PeeeU stops]

PeeeU: Eh, no...I have not. Perhaps you should look under your desk? I think I see something resembling a stapler.

Kenni: Indeed.

[Kenni looks, and PeeeU runs off]

PeeeU (interview): I was honestly surprised to hear Kenn say something other than "Indeed."

[Whadu is shown answering the phone]

Whadu: Who are you. What do you want. Make it quick. Fried beef.

INH: It's me, Insert. I just wanted you to know that Steph, Black Rose, Aifel, Zor, Toady, and Veggi are having a Crack Juice drinking contest. Thought you'd be interested.

Whadu: HOW DARE YOU TALK ABOUT MY MOTHER LIKE THAT. I COULD FIRE YOU AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT.

INH: Are you coming or not?

Whadu: Yes. Yes I am.

[Whadu hangs up]

[Whadu sprints past SuperSonic]

[SuperSonic is seen playing Second Life and conversing in-world with Nuke about global conquest]

[End image appears]
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NativeTJ · Level 36: Rising Dragon **Posts:** 10355 **Timestamp:** Sat Jun 14, 08 4:54 PM

I like it! It made me lol.
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whadu · Level 47: Snake Eater **Posts:** 31396 **Timestamp:** Sat Jun 14, 08 5:03 PM

Psyche Corporation is suppose to make you laugh, and that's exactly what I did... NUMEROUS TIMES.

Even though it was LONG AS HELL, it was worth the read. And lmao at how you brought the use of so21's name to a WHOLE NEW LEVEL. That's where I completely lost it. :laugh:

Added to Extras.
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ColorblindMonk · Level 26: Holy Knight **Posts:** 3890 **Timestamp:** Sun Jun 15, 08 12:04 PM

Sparkie Club! Wrap chains around her for extra dommage!!!
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Steam: ColorblindMonk

Kennisiou

Office Space is great.

That said, I'd never use a red stapler. Black is a much sleeker looking color.

Maybe I should try my hand at one of these. Who knows, I might just revisit yours...
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whadu · Level 47: Snake Eater **Posts:** 31396 **Timestamp:** Sun Jun 15, 08 12:26 PM

Cursed · Level 39: Paper Luigi **Posts:** 13303 **Timestamp:** Sun Jun 15, 08 2:02 PM

Wunderbar!

Awesome job nuke. Loved the bit about whadu's porn stash.
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Jumpin' Jack Flash · Level 25: Twin Snakes **Posts:** 3389 **Timestamp:** Sun Jun 15, 08 2:24 PM

so64 · Level 38: Crackdown **Posts:** 11973 **Timestamp:** Sun Jun 15, 08 3:29 PM

I lol'd....
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NuclearCookout

Grazie, people, grazie. This was fun to write, like my Random Insanity Killfest stories, only much MUCH shorter. I may write another here before long.
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Latest Weblog: MMMMM?

Click the 'www' button for my site! <> My various art <> My fan-fics